as i stare into blank spaces....i tot of my future....juz thinking abt the exam papers that i did last few weekz back make me wanna vomit...how did i fair?...what is in store for me??....wat shall i do now?..question shoot me in da mind one by one..."i dunno",i kept chanting ....insecure,scared n curious at the same tym....uncertainty.....ouh tis feeling how i hate it...

yeah..yeah...i passed my religious class EOY exam...im so proud...so now it will leave me wid the decision wether to take a 5 years course to PERGAS which means i will be taking a diploma in islamic studies [more focus then my current religious class] or i can juz continue my lessons by going to talks by ustad[religious 'cher],a 2 yr lesson wid 4 moledules...so which?...i have to tink tru!...5 yrs of religious n then u take degree n u get to teach pple n become ustazah....omg!...wid my attitude wad the hell?i cant commit to the studies n im not a "good" gerl to become someone who pple look up like ustazah..juz look at me now?!..arrgh!...ok i will leave this to ponder on....

yehaa...!birthday coming!!!..many pple asking me out to celebrate b'day wid me...but i still dun c the idea of going wid pple dat i dun really feel like going out wid....n the pple i feel going out wid is now either MIA or attached/busy wid work....haiz...my peeps still da best ....the very limit i will so wid my sister lurp...ms freak..tat also if she free...not forcing anyone to be go out wid me on my b'day...worst 2 worst i'll juz sit at home n rot n juz forget it was my b'day...*who am i kidding!*

today u tell me,u love me when i tell u,i miss u...but u cant love 2 peron at the same tym...and u tell me to believe u tat u still love me..wad am i to do...i wont hurt another gerl to get u..im oso a gerl i wud b upset if ma man loves another...so i'll juz let u go n be hapi wid her...im moving on dun wori...missing u will juz be daily challenges i must overcome...*when u leave i lost a part of me its juz so hard come back baby coz we belong 2gether*

i juz in a..errm..i dunno how i ma gonna explain...mix feelings....theres hapi,sad,emo,missing,liking,a bit of disappointment,cheated...n whateva'not feelings...i feel like cry n again im finding myself no shoulder to lean on...wad the fuck lar....*gotta b strong sara!*
friends?..i dunno they too busy wid their own thingy..guyz,haiz,i dunno i can even bring myself to trust guyz!...my eyes are shut for them[for now]...



thats all for now...heart is aching,mind is whirling....body is exhausted...it tym for me to sleep...

outz!...

another day to live...*sigh*...

missing him....whish he cud noe this but i rather stay mum about it...

today my religious class graduation...so gonna dress up abit...hope i pass..

i cant believe he actually go back to his word..i tot he cherish wad we have,our friendship...gosh! i tot i cud trust him...look wad hav e u done?...wad's the talking abt friendship for damn it...i upset,truely disapointed... but juz continue the journey of life...without my dear friend...hope hiz doing ok...nva once i hate u juz disappointed...



THE CUT



Slip the tape into the player

Press the button

The sounds begin

Raise the blade

Turn it in the light

Feel the edge

Sharp

Good

Raise your arm

Look for a good place to start

There on the back

Press the point into your flesh

The blade slips in easily

Don't go to deep

Move the blade to the music

Feel the pain

The burning sensation

Blood wells

Taste it

Bitter

Metallic

Beautiful

Continue cutting

Just breaking the skin

Let your emotions guide your hand

ThereIt is done

Look at the pattern

Store itClose your eyes

Feel all the nerves

Focus on the pain

The sweet pain

Listen to the music

Blood driesMusic ends

Fold the knife

Place it back in your pocket

Throw on your jacket to hide your art

Go out and face the cold world


[smiling yet so hurt

dun believe in love but searching for onr

laughing yet crying so much inside

cheers people up yet need to be cheer on to live

listening yet yearn to be heard]